"Advice To Women"
Keep cats
if you want to learn to cope with
the otherness of lovers.
Otherness is not always neglect —
Cats return to their litter trays
when they need to.
Don't cuss out of the window
at their enemies.
That stare of perpetual surprise
in those great green eyes
will teach you
to die alone.
Published: First published around 1990 in her collection Ways of Belonging and later in Selected and New Poems (1994).
Collection: Primarily known from Selected and New Poems (1994), though first appeared in Ways of Belonging (1990).
Lines: 12 lines.
Stanzas: The poem is written as a single, continuous stanza.
Rhyme Scheme: None. It is written in free verse.
Rhythm/Meter: The poem does not follow a strict metrical pattern. It utilizes a combination of short and long lines to create a conversational, yet sharp and ironic, pace.
Line by line explain:
Lines 1-3: "Keep cats / if you want to learn to cope with / the otherness of lovers."
The poem begins with a sharp, direct command: "Keep cats". The poet is not being gentle; she is being straightforward. She suggests that a cat is the perfect "objective correlative" or symbol to help you understand a partner.
Cats are famous for being independent and self-centered. They do not always crave love or attention. The poet calls the distant behavior of men "otherness". Otherness is the quality of being different or emotionally detached. By watching a cat, a woman can learn to stay calm when a lover feels like a stranger.
Lines 4-6: "Otherness is not always neglect — / Cats return to their litter trays / when they need to."
In these lines, the speaker makes a sarcastic remark. She says that "otherness" is not always a sign that a lover has forgotten you. However, the reason they return is not always sweet.The poet uses a harsh metaphor here. Cats return to their "litter trays" only when they have a physical need. In this poem, the litter tray represents the woman’s body or her domestic space. The lover returns because he has a physical or sexual urge, not necessarily because of emotional devotion. He returns for his own convenience, much like a cat.
Lines 7-8: "Don't cuss out of the window / at their enemies."
The tone now becomes even stricter. The speaker advises women not to lose their minds or get angry at their lover's enemies.
If a woman "cusses" (curses) at her partner's rivals, she is still too mentally dependent on him. It is foolish to get involved in the private affairs of someone who has already emotionally moved on. The poet wants you to stay patient and cool-headed instead of wasting your energy on someone else's battles.
Lines 9-12: "That stare of perpetual surprise / in those great green eyes / will teach you / to die alone."
The final lines focus on the physical appearance of the cat. Cats often have a look of "perpetual surprise". This represents a sense of stillness and internal coldness.
The "great green eyes" are a powerful symbol. The color green can represent a "new life" or the way men easily move on to new relationships. More importantly, the cat’s calm stare teaches a woman how to "die alone".In this context, "to die alone" actually means to exist alone. It is a lesson in self-sufficiency. By adopting the cat's indifferent attitude, a woman can learn to be fearless of isolation. She learns that she does not need a partner to be a complete person
Summary and analysis:
The poem is written as a piece of advice from an experienced speaker to a woman about to start or currently in a relationship. The speaker suggests that keeping cats is the best way to prepare for the emotional distance of a male partner. She argues that lovers, like cats, are often detached and self-centered. De Souza points out that a man might return to a woman only when he has a specific physical or sexual need, much like a cat returning to its litter tray. The poem warns women not to get emotionally involved in their lover’s personal battles or "enemies". Instead, women should observe the cool, indifferent stare of a cat. This indifference serves as a lesson in self-sufficiency, teaching women how to exist and even "die alone" without fear.The poem opens with a sharp command: "Keep cats". The speaker uses the cat as an "objective correlative"—a physical object used to represent a complex emotion. Here, cats represent the "otherness of lovers". "Otherness" refers to the quality of being emotionally different, distant, or detached. De Souza is being straightforward and unsentimental. She suggests that if you can handle the distance of a cat, you can handle the unpredictable heart of a man.
The speaker claims that "otherness is not always neglect". This is highly ironic. She uses the metaphor of "litter trays" to describe why lovers return. Just as a cat returns to its tray only when it has a physical urge, a man may return only to satisfy a sexual need. In this metaphor, the woman’s body is compared to the litter tray. This highlights a relationship based on convenience and physicality rather than true emotional devotion.
The speaker advises women not to "cuss out of the window / at their enemies". "Cussing" means to curse or use abusive words. The "enemies" are the rivals or adversaries of the lover. By getting angry on behalf of a lover, a woman shows she is still mentally dependent on him. The poet suggests it is foolish to fight for someone who is already emotionally detached from you.
The poem ends by focusing on the "great green eyes" of the cat. Green often symbolizes rejuvenation or new life, suggesting how easily men move on to new relationships. The cat’s "stare of perpetual surprise" represents internal coldness and a lack of emotional attachment. This look teaches a woman "to die alone". In this context, "to die alone" actually means "to exist alone". It is a lesson in autonomy and resilience. By imitating the cat, a woman learns to be strong and independent within a patriarchal system.